Conversations for Change
How not to turn reasonable people into difficult People
by Colleen Gray

What makes a reasonable person difficult? Whether you are a manager, parent, partner in a relationship, teacher, coach or member of a team, you will inevitably come across reasonable people who do not respond well to your best efforts and intentions to introduce changes.

This may occur even when you have worked hard to build a good relationship and gain the cooperation, support or goodwill of the people involved. Sadly in spite of our best efforts, or because of our worst efforts reasonable people often turn into difficult people.

Change is not an easy process for most of us. For those who are faced with the responsibility of introducing change, there is often a struggle to gain the confidence and support of people to accept and support the changes which are imposed on them. When change doesn’t happen smoothly there is a tendency for us to label those who appear to resist our efforts to collaborate or agree to the change as difficult, resistant and hard to get along with.

Applying a label to those who disagree with change can make us feel better or blame others for our failure to gain their cooperation. But when it comes to achieving results, labelling and blaming limits our options to encourage people to be reasonable partners in the change process.

When change occurs, it is helpful to understand the resistance as a sign that people are feeling imposed upon. Resistance may simply be their way of protecting themselves from changes they don’t agree with or want to have foisted on them.

A way through this is to be aware of the power of conversations and how they can be utilised as a powerful and essential medium of change. If we look at the literal meaning of the word ‘conversation’, we find the Latin word conversare is composed of the roots con, meaning ‘with’ and versare, meaning ‘to turn’. The meaning is ‘to turn or change together’.

It is through conversations that groups of people can find shared meanings. Where there is a need to establish a common goal and purpose, conversations provide the context for people to learn about each other, what is required and expected, and share, plan and implement the necessary future actions together.

When people listen to each other, their differences can cease to be as overwhelming. Rather than telling about and imposing changes, conversations help to explore possibilities for united action: What are your concerns about the changes? How are we going to do this together? What is important for you to know? What do you want your role in these changes to be?

This is relevant during periods of change or uncertainty. Let’s face it, the first question reasonable people ask when change is imminent is, “What’s in it for me?” or “What are they going to do to me?”

These days we are witnessing some definite cultural shifts in the way people relate to each other. Conversations are a way of moving forward together, and making the effort to have the conversations is everybody’s responsibility. These conversations can be developed with regular practice and consistency.

Let’s consider the kinds of conversations we might have to help people be part of the change, and stay reasonable.

Validate people’s feelings and points of view.

Acknowledge and validate people’s feelings, while at the same time keeping the possibility for change in view. This is a delicate balance, because too much emphasis on change and possibility can give people the message that you do not care about their dilemmas, while too much emphasis on their feelings can encourage people to wallow in their resistance and denial.

Focus on positive ideas.

Rather than focus on what is wrong, problematic or difficult, ask the person to express their goals. Ask questions such as: “What do you want to happen? What do you want to be different for you? What would be helpful? How do you want to do it?”

Invite people to express their personal goals.

A person’s long-term aspirations will be influencing their present-day behaviour. Discovering these aspirations can help you to create solutions that benefit everyone. Ask questions such as, “If we made these changes, what would you like your role to be? What do you see yourself doing? If this organisation was running exactly as you wanted it, what would be happening?”

Observe what happens during the conversations.

It’s important to observe the outcomes of the conversations. Those conversations which brainstorm, speculate and encourage people to communicate will achieve good outcomes, moving participants from “oppositional” to “open-minded”. You may even notice how you begin to discover different aspects of the person, or appreciate their views and perspectives.

Establish clear goals for the conversations.

Meandering, purposeless conversations will not help to resolve conflict. It is important for conversations to begin with the imagination – “What if?” – and then to progress to action – “What now?” The concerns of the participants must be heard and dealt with. It is useful to gauge the progress by asking “What has changed for us now? What is the next phase for us together?”

Act on the conversations immediately.

It is critical to coordinate the actions that are required. Imagining the future provides a strategy for identifying early issues, but if these conversations are not followed through with positive and effective action, participants will lose faith and become reluctant to offer their efforts in the future.

Success will be evident as you begin to notice that the people around you become less “difficult”, and are more willing to work with you.