Solutions for Building Effective Relationships
All couples go through challenging times: some survive
and thrive, and others don’t. As I practise relationships
therapy, I am often struck by how many ways there are for
couples to make their relationships work. The best predictor
of success seems to be whether they are prepared to put
aside the need to understand why their difficulties occur,
and instead form a solution team to focus on how they want
their relationship to be, identify what is missing for both
of them and find ways to include the missing elements into
their relationships and lives. The question of what’s
missing rather than what’s the problem or what needs fixing,
changes the focus from blame to recalling or learning in a
delightfully different and more useful direction, as well as
generating a mood of lightness and openness to what is yet
to unfold. Despite the problems they come complaining
about, most couples are able to reflect on the question of
what is missing with thoughtful reflection. They respond
with common themes which include:
- Time out for themselves away from the pressures of
work
- Time to talk about what is important
- Special moments to bring some romance
- Freedom from each other’s expectations
- Noticing positive efforts or moments
- Not being taken for granted
When couples come to me seeking help to fix what is
wrong with their relationship they benefit from support,
acknowledgement and validation to enable them to work
through their difficulties. Most find it is a relief to
be acknowledged and to hear that they have the resources
and knowledge. My role is simply to facilitate the right
conversation between them to make it easier and simpler
to stop focussing on the problems and instead find the
missing solutions that will make it better.
In the past, therapists sought to help couples to
improve communications and taught them how to behave
more respectfully and assertively with each other. By
changing the focus to identifying what has worked to
help them enjoy each other and make the relationship
satisfying in the past or even how they would like to
see themselves in the future, they can be helped to
identify how to do more of what works. Experience has
taught me that clients’ relationships have a better
chance of success when they are able to stop focussing
on their problems and identify their strengths and know
what keeps them together instead. One couple that
consulted me for their relationship problems was stuck
in a pattern of blame. ‘He’s only interested in work and
his television,’ the wife told me. ‘Because she’s always
working or got her nose stuck in a book,’ he countered.
As I helped them to have a conversation about what was
happening in their lives, we discovered that since the
wife had embarked on a course of university study her
husband was concerned that she would ‘outgrow’ him and
find him stupid. ‘But I love how you used to support me
and encouraged me to have a go,’ the wife said. ‘You
helped me to have the confidence to do it, and I
appreciate that.’ As she spoke about her fears at coping
with the studies and increased pressures, he was silent,
and was able to move past his own concerns and hear what
it was like for her. She in turn was touched to hear
about his fear of losing her, and it was touching to
witness how the understanding changed their perceptions
and understanding about each other. At last they were
talking again and through a few more conversations were
able to save their relationship. Admittedly they needed
to learn different ways of communicating and coping with
the changes, and in this instance were motivated and
committed to identifying and implementing some
solutions. The kind of stories couples live, determine
their level of perceived happiness. Evidence shows that
people who recognise the positive attributes of their
partners are more likely to experience fulfilled and
loving relationships. If one partner notices and talks
about how much they love it when the other pays a
compliment then they are more likely to say compliment
more often.
I have discovered that people who describe and draw
on past positive experiences they have shared are more
likely to anticipate the possibility of more positive
interactions happening in the future. They keep the good
story of their relationship alive in the doing and
retelling, and therefore are more likely to continue to
live it. Unfortunately by the time couples come to me
for therapy they are often already living and
reinforcing their bad relationship stories, through the
actions and the conversations they have with each other.
The good story and conversations between them has often
been forgotten. In its place is a sad tale of ‘you
always do’, or ‘you always say’, or ‘you never do’ or
‘you never say’. Or worse, the couple has stopped having
meaningful conversations that nurture and sustain.
Most relationships end with a whimper. Sometimes by
the time I see people communications have often long
since been closed down. Many people report that they
don’t even bother to fight any more I can’t emphasize
enough how essential it is for partners to remember that
the ability to have conversations that matter is vital
to maintaining a healthy relationship. Couples have a
much greater chance of surviving difficulties in their
relationships when they can put blame aside, and spend
the time identifying their concerns, what is missing for
them and a solution approach to doing what works. When
they recognise times in the past when they were happy,
remember examples of when their collaboration grew, they
are resourced to do more of the actions that worked.
10 ways to rebuild an effective relationship or keep it
on track.
- Up to 80% of clients report a positive change
after making an appointment for relationship
therapy. By making the call they have already
committed to a more positive way forward and begun
to work together.
- Change the emotion and find the good stories.
Ask yourselves what are the successes of this
relationship, how have we managed to cope so far,
and what are the benefits of staying together?
- Be clear about what the real concerns are, and
what is missing rather than just repeating and
focussing on the problems.
- Noticed what is different about the times you
find yourselves getting along well. Use this
positive information as a framework for your future.
- Appreciate that couples are not mind readers and
stop interpreting each other. Learn to ask, ‘what do
you want me to understand?’ Don’t assume that the
other does or doesn’t care.
- Stop using explanations such as ‘you’re just
like your mother’, or ‘he doesn’t care for me’.
Instead clarify in action talk. ‘I don’t like it
when you watch television while I am talking to
you.’ ‘I want you to go out with me this week.’ ‘I
want to make love tonight.’
- Individuals have a fundamental need to be heard
and appreciated. Happy couples hear each other,
acknowledge each other’s concerns, and are be able
to support and validate them without judging or
imposing their own ‘should do’ solutions.
- Notice what is different about the times that
problems occur and you are both able to deal with
the situation so that something constructive comes
out of the situation.
- Notice what is different when individuals catch
their partner doing something right, and receive
credit for what they do, rather than focusing on
blame and misunderstanding which destroys the
important ingredients of trust and respect.
- Appreciate the power of having conversations
that focus on what is working, what each is
appreciating about the other or the relationships.
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What do you think?
